Opinion: The Cheating Culture Among Married Men – a Woman’s Perspective

This article is not about shaming or generalising all married men; it is based on real observations made in the past six months. Here is a brief overview of myself: I am a single woman in my forties with adult children. I work and earn my way to live a comfortable middle-class life. 

What resulted in me writing this article is a deep concern and wonderment about the behaviours of married men in our society in the capital. It is not meant to judge persons or shame them in any way, but to share this concerning pattern that was observed. For the purpose of this article, I shall be sharing three individuals’ behaviours; namely, RobotGuy, TheTraveller, and TheGatekeeper. 

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The Men I Met: Three Patterns, One Problem

RobotGuy, TheTraveller, and TheGatekeeper are all married and working, with no substance use or other fishy business. They all have children (some grown up) and have been married for six years to fifteen years or so. While I had personally known some of them for a while, others I recently met for the first time. 

Being unmarried in a fast-paced society can be somewhat flustering; it gets lonely, and it is a lot of pressure. Every now and then, thoughts of being married push me towards explorations which led to my interactions with these men. Cutting to the chase, what I identified was that, in my mission to look for a man who would make a good husband, I kept hitting a wall of already married men who seemed to be interested in ‘making friends’. 

After gently pushing off some of them with an “I dont have private conversations with married men”, my curiosity got the best of me. My thoughts revolved around the question, “Why do these married men want to talk to a single woman and be her friend when they have a partner?”. What always kept me on edge was the observation that whenever a married man cheats, the woman is blamed and shamed more than the married man! 

Although she is single, society and the wife and her friends/family see the woman as evil and not the married man who had momentarily neglected his position and responsibilities. These accusations, from my point of view, became very unjustified because it was the men who approached me through various social media platforms. 

What They Wanted – And What I Observed

All of these men ‘cared deeply’ about my wellbeing, my health and my everyday ‘exhaustingly busy’ single mum/woman life. They wished I were not alone, they wanted to help me out in any way I could and fill the void — or so they said. 

While RobotGuy expressed that he and his wife had drifted apart and had a mutual understanding that he could fill another one of his ‘three leftover slots’ to feel whole again, the TheTraveller felt neglected, disrespected and bullied by his wife. TheGatekeeper, on the other hand, would brush off with a “don’t worry about that” whenever I reminded him that he is married. 

What our conversations led me to think is that the actual issue here is the art of conversation. What I offered all these men that their wives could not offer was a person who would listen to them. TheTraveller was so dedicated to helping me that he offered to buy my groceries (which I did not accept). I shared with TheTraveller proper conversation styles, de-escalation techniques and suggested that he start wooing and ‘dating’ his wife again. I am hoping things work out for him because he actually listened to me, ceased conversations with me and is in the process of winning his wife back. 

RobotGuy is adamant that the issues they have are unsolvable. He has a good working relationship with his wife, but he is missing out on some things. He seemed like a good candidate, for me too, but he was not ready to take the step of filling other ‘slots.’ This is understandable; he has a lot of professional aspirations, but I wonder if he would wake up one day feeling the strain in the marriage. Why else is he talking to other women, right? 

TheGatekeeper shared so little about whatever issues; all he had to offer was that he and his wife simply did not communicate, which is a shame, too, because he was an interesting man. However, since he was very ready to cheat, this did not sit well with me. His mindset appeared to be: “It’s fine as long as she doesn’t find out — and she won’t.” When I made it clear that I don’t support or enable cheating, he took offence, and has been acting out ever since.

Rethinking Blame in Relationships

Dear married men, do your part and go date your wives, talk to your wives, bring them flowers and use those flattering words on them. She probably does not have time to be romantic and intimate because she is exhausted from taking on all the responsibilities of running a household herself. Help her lift the load, support her, be there for her. 

Dear married ladies, your husbands are neglected. It may have happened due to unresolved issues throughout your marriage, the burdens of working and taking care of kids in an economically challenging capital city, or it may have been because you forgot to be the wife while you took the role of being a mother or a professional. Either way, you need to focus on the marriage, too. I hear that Tinder is also full of married men looking for a ‘fun time’. 

As for me, I hope to run into a man preferably unattached. 

I do understand that this article may blow back on me, but I believe that someone had to say this out loud. It is not just the women who should be blamed in the event of an affair; the men are out there actively looking for other women while the wife is sitting at home watching Netflix.

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